Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Didn't understand where's all the stress coming from even though it's holiday now. But now I do.

Can running away help? Did I prove myself as a worthy friend? Or rather, should I do things to prove myself of a worthy friend? Will everything go away as long as I distant myself from them and not go too close as friends? Am I tired or lazy? To try to fix and patch things up with people all over again. Things always turn sour when people get too close together, is it?

Even with Joyce, the person I always had fun and laughs with, things still did turn a bit sour recently.
Or is it me? Am I being an irritating and incorrigible friend already?
I have so many questions but no one (those that I trust a lot) I dare to confide and approach. Sounds weird I know. I don't know. I seems to have messed up everything. Someone who is my friend and reads this please please save me.

What Yong Kang said made me think of some things. I fail to see some things of me, for however long it has been there. Even after he says, I still feel like I've tried in those aspects. I did listen to people whenever I know my stuff is gonna fail. If people are more enthusiastic in wanting to do things, I wouldn't want to do all those stuff either.
But it's true that once I started something, I don't like people to change things halfway. Just because it makes me feel like all my work will go down to drain, esp. when I have no idea whether it will be better. I tried my best to involve everyone, comes with more voices and more chances of me ignoring them and more dislikes coming my way.
Have they been unhappy with me for a long time and even talks behind my back? I'm getting so crazy to actually think friends will do that behind me. I don't know. Why are there so many thoughts of bad stuff happening. Have my days in JC really been that bad? I'm not sure. Everyone seems like they have good friends around. I seem like I'm so bad to get along with that I can only talk to them but not be close friends. I really don't know. Why don't we have thanksgiving? Let me see for once what people see me as.

Am I just someone loud and crazy in their eyes? Or they see me as what I see in myself?

Is it because it had been so long since I last sat down and type here about my life and thoughts that everything end up hitting myself now. I even try to draw up some calendar for the next few weeks to make sure I don't miss out anything I told myself to do. Am I really that busy or am I just deceiving myself with all the things I think I should do but actually no one, even myself, cares.

And yes I'm starting to just type and type whatever stupid things come to mind.

Why haven't I asked some people who I used to always ask out to go out yet? I obviously want to ask them out! But I keep telling myself they will be busy so I'll sound like I've no one to go out with and I'm desperate for friend if I ask them out. But it has nothing to do with these since I just FEEL like asking them out =.= Do I need a legal explanation to just feel like asking people out? Someone answer me this please.

22 Dec: JiaLe's birthday and I'm going to her chalet BBQ, will meet WL, YH, JK, HY, Leon.
23 Dec: GanTeng's birthday but celebrated so I guess nothing to do.
24 Dec: Christmas eve, baking I guess. It's probably wiser not to meet the guys up after what yk said and the argument with gh.
25 Dec: Christmas, pass some people cookies IF I baked I guess.
26 Dec: Meeting XinFang, tmr have to ask hy and yh about it too.
27 Dec: Nth
28 Dec: Sandra's retest and have to faster settle jonathan and liyan's presents and how we going to celebrate. And Mr Liw's birthday.
29 Dec: AHA BBQ. Have to prepare food.
30 Dec: Afternoon got work training.
31 Dec: Countdown with them?
1 Jan: Work at night.
2 Jan and ahead: Don't know how things will go anymore.
With these few days laid out,
I've not met Kangming who I wanna ask to go out buy clothes but not even sure whether he bu shuang me one or not.. although he doesnt really care much most of the time,
Shufen to pass her the present they bought long long ago,
Joyce they all for Kbox, is if they still want,
YanShuang, and we both said will meet up soon one,
and some others who I might have accidentally missed out.

What's happening to me. Nights guys.